Praise the [Dark] Lord!

THE RUPTURE?!

2006-01-16T21:00:34Z

I just spent the last few weeks during the White Haired Evil's absence with jugs of pumpkin juice, a pack of WWVD? bracelets, my Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet and my belongings in my trunk excitedly waiting for the long prophesied, The Rupture, to arrive!

DURING THE RUPTURE, OUR SAVIOR THAT WILL LEAD US TO THE PATH OF DARK, LORD VOLDEMORT, WILL ARRIVE FROM A QUIDDITCH BROOM ONTO HOGWARTS TO SAVE ALL HIS PUREBLOODED CHILDREN AS WELL AS THOSE MOST LOYAL TO HIS CAUSE AND AVADA KEDAVRA ALL THE MUGGLES, MUDBLOODS, BLOOD TRAITORS, AND WEASLEY SPAWNS AWAY.

According to my Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet: The Sequel!, "In the event of Headmaster Dumbledore's sudden and abrupt departure/absence/death from Hogwarts, a surprise attack by the Death Eaters is imminent. You, as a Junior Death Eater, should be prepared for a violent breach in Hogwarts security by taking the following steps:

(1) Locate Harry Potter. Be alert! As The Boy Who Lived now suffers from adolescent afflictions such as breast development and CAPSLOCK, he may still be aware of your presence despite the fact that you may be wearing an invisibility cloak. This is done not through use of magic, but through means of echo location.
(2) Remember. The Buddy System is always effective in avoiding a curse crossfire! Be sure to hold hands and look both ways before crossing a busy hall.
(4) In the event that you do not see a Junior Death Eater around you, grab a Mudblood instead and employ him/her as your shield. You will notice that the flesh of a Mudblood has sponge-like properties that render them particularly effective in the absorption of hexes, and curses and spilt milk.

Helpful Hint!: In situations like these, you may discover that a Hufflepuff can prove equally serviceable.

(5) Pass out cups of butterbeer and pumpkin juice to any Death Eater that may be exhibiting symptoms of Thirst. As Junior Death Eaters you perhaps already know, employing the Crucio on a Mudblood not only provides a Death Eater with sadistic pleasure and arousal, but also wears down his stamina. It is not practical to stop intermittently between bouts of Crucio and sadism to take a breather when all this could be remedied simply with a cup of pumpkin juice.

Don't forget!: Refreshments are vital in our fight against the Light!"

The Dark Lord must have spent the last couple of weeks doing memes!!

Wizards only. Witches not allowed!

2005-11-05T22:56:35Z

Oh. My. Voldemort.

Why has no one told me that Weasley #7 was hiding all THAT under all her hair?! I can't believe that I had rejected her! I am so embarrassed. May Voldemort have mercy on my soul for saying this, but I do not think that even the Dark Lord has anything on her. With her chiseled features and her eyes that profess love to me with every come hither glance and lips that are so tender that they screamed to be ravaged. She is Sex on Legs. I read that somewhere on Teen Witch.

Here's a new picture of her:

I have never witness a witch with a more beautiful smile. I hope one day she will smile like that at me. She is so lovely. I will carry her picture with me everywhere. I will put it in the pocket on top of my chest so that she will always be close to my heart.

Seamus and the Siren!

2005-09-01T03:59:18Z

While Seamus and I were sneaking around Hogwarts with our hands over our eyes again, we discovered when we took a peek that we were not in the Great Hall as we expected. No! We found ourselves within the SECRET PASSAGE OF HO ROR!

It said so on the sign!

It was a pretty passage. The passage was filled with lush red carpet, a fireplace that stretched as big as a really small quidditch field. On the loveseat sat a beautiful woman with eyes as wide as Potter's mouth and a body as curvaceous as Snape's nose, a pair of knockers to rival that of Millie's and her lips! They were like two plumped dung beetle sausages. I felt hungry just looking at her. It took a me a couple of minutes after Seamus yelled, "SHE'S A SIREN!" for me to realize that SHE WAS A SIREN!

It said so on the sign too.

Then she opened those plumped dung beetle sausaged mouth of hers and sang. I wrinkled my nose in distaste, and asked that woman, "What are you doing?"

"I bet she's showing off!" Seamus yelled, instantly suspicious. He clutched his bottle closer to himself, "Or wants a sip of me whiskey!"

The woman blinked her wide showing off eyes at Seamus and I and said in a sickingly sweet and melodious voice, "Seducing you."

Seamus and I looked at each other, looked at her, and back at each other. We broke out in laughter. I turned to the poor siren and told her straight, "Look, woman. You aren't exactly our type. See, Seamus here-- he likes his women dark and, well, something resembling Dean! Me? I only have my eyes for one person-- The Dark Lord! Also, I like my women with more well defined pecs, not those shameless excuse for knockers you have on your chest. They look more like a pair of overgrown cantalopes under the influence of a jellylegs hex to me!"

Seamus took a minute to rearrange his face to one of "disapproval" rather than "drunken stupor".

"And for Merlin's sake, put on some clothes!" He added.

The Siren screamed and evaporated in a puff of smoke. In her place was a book. The title on it said, "THE MAGICAL GUIDE TO B A ING"

"The Magical Guide to... Baking? Something tells me that we should take this baking book with us and follow the instructions on page 55!" I told Seamus.

"Really?" asked Seamus.

I pointed to that other sign.

A Revelation That I Would Like to Share.

2005-07-24T07:23:56Z

Because I ate some spoiled food, I was in the loo today sobbing. I thought about Dumbledore. I thought about spoiled food.

As I prayed to The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead Us to the Path of Dark (!!), The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead us to the Path of Dark (!!) responded. He did this under the clever guise of a stomach growling!

He told me (through my stomach growl) that everyone was like an appetizer. Me, I am a Treacle Tart. I am fat and delicious, but full of juice for the The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead us to the Path of Dark (!!). The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead us to the Path of Dark (!!) is like a piece of overcooked drumstick. Outside he is callous and Dark, but inside he is made of squishy flesh and bone like the rest of us. He smells like chicken. Dumbledore? He is like an acid pop. A tall, flexible Acid Pop. Except with hair, so you can't eat him.

One moment we can be fresh and tasty, the next moment, SPOILED. Lying in a bathtub, with maggots crawling in and out and a rubber duck bobbing around sadly to and fro and fro again.

...Dumbledore.

Terrortours: "Action holidays for the wizard family with a sense of adventure!"

2005-07-11T01:31:25Z

So there I was.

In Transylvania with my Terrortours group and surrounded by a herd of Flesh Eating Zombies. My floo buddy and I got lost. At the moment, Gary Stu was lying on the floor incapacitated. He had the original ability to regenerate his limbs, and excrete butterflies from his bowels-- but it would take a while before he woke up, and save us with his Bowels of Love.

I went up to the Zombies and said, "Hullo, Heathens. My name is Gregory Goyle. Don't worry, I can help you. For I am a Junior Death Eater! Do you, by any chance, like pamphlets?"

An hour later, with the pamphlets torn to shreds on the floor, the Zombie gnawing on my head, and me insisting, "Zombies can be helpful to the Death Eater cause too! If only as dispensable pawns of the Dark Lord!"-- a stone tablet the the size of hippogriff, fell in front of us.

The gnawing Zombie peeked at the tablet and moved his lips as if silently reading it. Then he looked at me with a sympathetic smile and pointed out, "It's for you, Goyle. It says that your test scores were disqualified due to an excessive use of the letter 'E'. You have to return for summer school."

Then the Zombies dragged me away to the nearest floo network as I screamed, "No! For the love of Voldemort, just eat me already! I don't want to go back to school!" However, they threw me into the chimney and insisted that they were doing this for my own good.

"Did you know, Goyle," a rotting Zombie named Igor asked, "That even a degree the Dark Arts is now a prerequisite for becoming a Death Eater? These days you need an education for everything!" Bradley, the Zombie what had previously gnawed on my head told me that it was because he didn't get a proper education that he was now wandering around the Zombie Trial scavenging for human flesh. "I could have been a doctor!" he swore.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...

2005-06-21T07:45:07Z

I, Gregory Goyle, am on my twentieth mug of butterbeer.

As the year draws to a close, and the spectacles that I stole from a first year become too big for my face, I get sad. What have I accomplished this year? What is the total number of students that I have converted?! It's not even a number, it's and UNNUMBER. I have converted an UNNUMBER number of students.

...

My Voldemort, I am not that pathetic am I? What happened to you Goyle? You use to be cool! You use to OWN this school! The ladies use to fall to your feet! Maybe stick on tattoos are just not cool anymore. Even if they are in the shape of the Dark Mark.

You know. I have thrown pamphlets in people's faces. I have harassed, threatened and resorted to unwanted solicitation in hopes that people would convert. And still, nobody has turned to the Dark Side. I can't figure out where I went wrong. Is it the stalking? Did I not do enough of the stalking? Is my method of harassment uncomfortable for you? If so, I can try another approach. There's many different ways of going about harassment.

Maybe people just don't appreciate door to door solicitors these days.

Voldemort, the great WAR BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL is coming any day now, and I have recruited nobody. I am so stressed. I found a white hair on my pug yesterday. Yes, my pug. I am so stressed that my pug grew white hair. That just doesn't makes sense.

Madam Rosmerta, please give me another refill.

Witchery! Witchcraft!! You W*tch!

2005-03-25T00:54:55Z

Do NOT be ALARMED.

I have been led to believe that there may be a witch or two within our midst. The spawns of Satan have risen from the fiery underbelly of Hell and have infiltrated the good and pristine confines of Evil Hogwart’s School of W- and W…-well, I forget. But rest assured the witches here are up to no good. They are here to drives us away from our Puritan lifestyle with promises of tempting gifts and corn cake. In reality all they wish to do is to distract us from our butter churning, petticoat sewing and most of all, to damn us! Damn us all!! Because that is what witches do, you know. They damn people.

These witches may look normal, but beneath their warty exterior and green skin, there lies a deep and ugly interior. I hear they have blue blood, and since blue blood strays from the norm in Puritain society- then it MUST be bad.

I don’t believe that I have recognized any witches yet. I suspect that they have disguised themselves to look human. I have yet to see anyone with green skin walk by, but perhaps I will see one tomorrow.

List of people whom I suspect are WITCHES:

Goody Finch Fletchley: Has a weird name. Witch.
Goody Chang: No need to explain. Witch.
John Proctor: Upstanding Citizen, but something is not right with that man.
Goody Boot: A Blasphemous Quaker??

I suggest at promptly 11:00 p.m. when the sun sets and all our daily chores and our candle waxing is completed, we meet up in Suckindor dorms, and discuss a plan of action. A plan of action with will involve angry mob justice! I will bring my lynching rope. I just happen to have one lying around.

-Goody Gregory Goodlove

grrgoyle @ 2005-02-27T00:25:00

2005-02-27T08:57:18Z

Name: Gregory Goyle
House: Slytherin
The name of who you turned into: Padma Patil
The house of who you turned into: Ravenclaw.

How has this changed your perceptions of girls?
What they lack in a Key, they make up for in two knockers. My respect for my fellow sisters, has risen greatly.

Hear, hear sisters! Praise the (Dark) Lord!!

How has this changed your perceptions of boys?
They do not understand the mental and spiritual anguish that comes along with suddenly developing two balls and not knowing what to do with them.

How will you treat the other gender differently in the future?
I will give them a pamphlet on how to deal with PMS, compliment them on their face, and talk about my "feelings" (with quotation marks and everything!) and then hand them my Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet explaining to them that it is the next Nora BibityBobityBoobert book.

They will be butterbeer within my hands!!

How has this changed your perceptions of what it means to be your gender?
When you are a man and you walk with your shirt off to attract woman into the side of the Dark with your devilishly sleek physique, everyone says, “Put your shirt on Goyle,” or “Ah! My Eyes!” When you are a woman and you walk with your shirt off, administrators tackle you to the ground and swiftly deliver a clothing spell, and detract a riddikulus amount of points from your real house.

You see, witches get preferential treatment! And warlocks get ignored on the basis of their sex. No one cares when WE run around topless. This screams sexual discrimination!

***

I cannot do this anymore, Headmaster Wh1te Ha1red Ev1l! My hands hurt from too much typing. And my legs hurt from sitting too long. And my brain hurts, my hair hurts, I think I may be coming down with a fatal tropical illness and I am sleepy. Also, a niffler ate my laptop!

I would like to do this assignment, but it goes against my spiritual beliefs. I do not think the Dark Lord condones school work. I am pretty sure it says it in the Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet that, "Gregory Goyle cannot finish his survey because it goes against the Death Eater belief. It's true. Really. It is in this here pamphlet. No, you can't look."

-Gregory Goyle
Born Again and Again,
Junior Death Eater

grrgoyle @ 2004-12-29T14:35:00

2004-12-29T23:03:41Z

Dear Dark Lord,

I like converting people! Anything in the name of Voldemort, our Lord and Savior that will Lead us to the Path of Dark, I normally find fun! But when my best mate's mate's younger brother, Dennis starts insulting my beliefs by calling the Dark Lord "Moldywart", coloring all over my Buddy Death Eater pamphlets, and sticking notes on my back that says, "I'm a Junior Death Eater, kick me!" and "I have a third nipple on my CENSORED" I begin to think, whether all the mess I go through for a conversion is all that worth it.

I have tried to go into Colin's room, but the door is locked. There's a lot of noise, some rustling and a rip. They must be having a pillow fight, and I am missing all the fun.

All because I have been working on converting Dennis!

Oh, what a miserable day.

Lost in England,

Gregory Goyle

xoxo

grrgoyle @ 2004-12-20T19:51:00

2004-12-21T04:15:05Z

Colin has a strange house.

It's small and not dark and dank at all. His dungeon is not even like a dungeon! I see no rotting muggles lying in there, just junk. His slave woman brought me to his room and gave me cookies to eat while I wait for Colin and Crabbe to come home. I gave her a Buddy Death Eater pamphlet as a token of my appreciation and she closed the door.

Then it went completely dark.

In my hysteria, I accidenly hit something box-like and a box thing started to glow and so I hit it again to make it glow more and it exploded.

So now I am lying in the darkness again and I am finding it to be rather scary.

I spilled my milk and cookies on Colin's bed too.

Oh Voldemort, save me!!

Best. Birthday party. Ever!!

2004-11-12T04:17:00Z

I am riding a giraffe right now! His name is Hippo and he is very yellow!! There are animals everywhere and they are all flocking towards me! I tell them to come! And they all do the Macarena!!

The monkey is waving at me and saying, "Hello, Goyle!"

And I wave back and say, "Hello, Monkey!"

Somewhere in the middle of it all, burrowed underneath the elephant and the dinosaur's crouch, Millie is getting married! I am not sure who she is getting married to, but he is a rather stiff bloke. He must have the pre-wedding jitters!

I am so proud of Millie! She has grown into a fine, sophisticated and busty woman. She has excellent pecs.

I aspire to be like her someday!!

Voldemort. This stuff should be published...

2004-11-01T06:04:11Z

A Hogwart's Horror
Written By: Gregory Goyle, Weasley #7, Eric, Ron Weasley, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Lucius Malfoy, Micheal Corner, Colin Creevey, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, Seamus Finnegan, Cedric Diggory, Moaning Murtle, Harry Potter, Professor Snape, Professor Mcg., Vincent Crabbe, Lord Voldemort and Cho Chang.

It was a cold and stormy Halloween night at Hogwarts.

Morticia, a Junior Death Eater with a penchant for late night walks alone in her underwear, completely susceptible to any stalker who wanted to murder her, maim her or somehow castrate her- decided to go through THE SLYTHERIN DUNGEONS OF NO RETURN.

To get herself some tea.

She ended up getting more than she bargained for.
(Tea, scones, buddy Death Eater Pamphlets AND a pug)

As she was about to leave the dungeons with her newly found acquisitions and yipping pug, the door suddenly slammed shut, the windows that were for some reason in the dungeons closed and Morticia suddenly let out piercing, heart wrenching, and Potter worthy scream.

On the walls in big, bold, BLOODY letters were the words…

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

AGAIN

YOUNG WOMEN SEXY TO THE HEIR BEWARE

Please wait to be abducted and dragged to the depths of Hogwarts</big>

I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

Morticia's scream was so capitalised that it echoed throughout the dungeons, even through the door and up the stairs where the not-Slytherins slept in various states of undress.

She didn't know where to run or what she was going to wear, because surely she would be an irresistable target walking around in her panties, buddy pamphlets and little dog in hand.

But where could she go... she had to decide fast...

Frantically she read her highly engrossing Buddy Death Eater pamphlets, searching for an answer, but absolutely nothing was said about what one should do when finding words printed in blood about Chamber of Secrets and young sexy women all over school walls.

She was just focusing all her Evil powers on mustering some Evil and brilliant plan of escape, (because one should always play hard to get with Evil overlords, Dark Lords really fancy chasing) when a deadly cool, bony hand grabbed her bare shoulder and....

Morticia jumped and her large expressive voluptuating knockers jumped with her!!!!!!!

She wrapped her arms under her gigantic blossoming knockers. She was very cold wearing just her underwear (which was black with tiny pink bows!!!!) and she wished for a handsome tall red haired man to rescue her to a nice warm bed!!!!!!!!!!!

As she dreamt of this handsome tall redhaired man she forgot about the bony hand that was touching her soft curved bare shoulders and slowly sliding downwards to......!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...snap her bra strap.

"Ouch!" she yelled, whipping around, knockers and all, only to find herself staring into darkness. "Who did that?" she demanded.

"Bwah-ha-ha-ha," came an evil laugh from directly in front of her.

Morticia swung her right foot as hard as she could, connecting with something soft, squishy, and invisible. The evil voice grunted, wheezed, and groaned, in a somewhat higher pitch then before, "If you strike me down, I shall become..."

"If you strike me down, I shall become a creature whose deep, black core of ultimate Evil shall wretch the bones from your quivering flesh and grind them into a powder whose application shall serve the great dark purpose of our most Evil Lord Voldemort."

"Oh alas! I, a lowly Junior Death Eater, am most feared to be placed into such a valuable yet deadly position that will both allow me to be at the will of the Great Evil Overlord yet rob me of my innocent, virginal youth," enunciated Morticia, raising her hands in terror.

"Ah, you are a Junior Death Eater?" voiced the creature of Darkness and Despair. "In your veins runs the blood of purity. We shall use you for greater things."

Morticia, overjoyed to be introduced to a position more profitable to the great purpose of our Dark Lord, clapped her hands in glee and turned in the direction indicated by the formless yet distinguishable figure of Evil. Her face, suddenly bathed in the glow of that which indicated a substance of deep darkness, let out a small gasp and pronounced, "My, what lovely..."

"My, what lovely red hair."

She ran towards an apparition of a beautiful red-haired girl who glowed with pure, angelic light. "You mustn't let the Darkness take you!" she warned, and Morticia couldn't help but notice that this girl was ten times prettier than she would ever be, and fully clothed was still sexier than she was as well. "I will save you!"

"Are you an angel?" Morticia asked, totally flabbergasted at the beauty of the girl.

"No," replied the lovely apparition. "I am..."

"I am Ginger Spice" the goddess of feminine beauty sang and she glowed with the light of the truly famous her fire red hair billowing from her face, it looked very fetching with her union jack dress.
"OMG I LOVE YOU, CAN I PLEASE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH??" screamed Mortia her face open with ectasy.
"You're a junior death eater, you're not supposed to worship muggle pop stars!!!!!" screamed the evil black dude thing ( is he the dark lord?? it's kinda confusing!!).
"You're just scared because I'm a girl mate, well you better be scared because I'm gonna kick your arse!!!" screamed Ginger Spice suddenly turning into a ninja.
"Oh crap" whispered the dark dude

"oh crap" whispered the dark dude. "i am in trouble now"
"you are about to enter a world of pain, dark thingamummy! your forces of evil are no match for my flying Phallus formation!" cried the spice-ninja person. "have at ye!"
she immediately knocked the wand from the disgusting, hideous, hateful, evil bugger's hand and straight away used it to cast a modesty-robe spell on Morticia.
"noooo!" screamed the nasty, vile, horrid bastard. "how could you know to destroy my one source of power?"

The nasty, vile, horrid bastard melted onto the ground in a grotesque and bloody goo.

Within minutes, Morticia was back in her panties again.

Ginger spice ninja turned towards Morticia and handed her floo powder. “Hogwarts is in a dire state right now. There is a crazed creature within Hogwarts, disemboweling Hufflepuffs, and eating the brains of Ravenclaws to gain intelligence. He is after you at the moment because he knows that you, the GREAT JUNIOR DEATH EATER CHAMPION, has the ability to stop him. Here is what you need to do…!!”

Suddenly, Ginger of Great Grrl Power, toppled over with her ten inch platform shoes flinging in the air.

SHE HAD AN AXE BURIED WITHIN HER BACK!! On top of Ginger’s bleeding and now badly hacked back, was a PUG. He spoke, “Your next, Morticia.”

Screaming, Morticia ran to the fireplace and threw the floo powder hoping that it will take her to someplace safe…

... But before she could floo, she heard a terrible, dark, and actually very sexy laugh behind her. She screamed with even more capitalisation as the fire went out, and turning, she saw--

The nasty-vile-horrid-etc. gooed bastard had reconstituted himself into a horrific creature. It was as he'd said, a creature of great dark black Ultimate and strangely attractive Evil.

She was trapped in the fireplace with no place to run and not enough clothes to protect her as the creature approached her.

"There is a hole in your mind," it hissed.

"I don't understand!" she shrieked back at it.

"Yes, you're too young and nubile to comprehend me yet," said the creature. "So what I have told you is true, from a certain point of view."

The creature grabbed Morticia's bare arm, preparing to defile her by dragging her away to...

...the Chamber of Secrets!

Morticia wrenched her arm free of the bony hand, noting absently that the hand dropped off as she did so. She prodded the wires attached to it, before looking around the Chamber curiously. It was larger than she thought, and contained numerous bodies of Ravenclaws with their brains missing.

She shuddered as...

She shruddered as she bumped into the bloated corpse of a fellow junior DE, lets call him Foyle for now!!!
Starring into his disgusting fat pimple covered face she realised his brain hadn't been eaten, even evil dark lords never eat junk food!
"Oh well he deserved it for dissing Ginger Spice" she said to the still corpse of Foyle.

The tall, dark, handsome and WITH ABSOLUTELY CLEAR SKIN body of Foyle suddenly jumped up. He lurched towards her and Morticia screamed!!

...Only to realize that he was not lurching towards Morticia at all!!! But was lurching towards the figure behind her, a DEAD UGLY corpes with A BIG FAT JUICY PIMPLE ON HER NOSE and in a HORRENDOUSLY OUT OF DATE DRESS, named Colleen!!

He busted Colleen's camera, popped her pimple and ate Colleen until all that was left of her was her UGLY DRESS. He then promply fell down and took a nap.

Morticia blinked, adjusted her bra- and continued through the Chamber...

"Medieval Gothic art," the creature snuck up behind her and she jumped.

"What?"

"It's Gothic art," he explained patiently. "I am explaining it to you. See the pointed windows? The central rose window? The vault overhead? All characteristics of medieval Gothic art."

"Oh," Moticia nodded her head, unsure of what was going on. "Um... so why have you brought me here? I mean, besides attempting to scar me with ugly people in hideous dresses, that is."

The creature smiled broadly. "I have been waiting for you to ask me this! I simply wanted to show you my divine art collection! It is beautiful, let me assure you. Every single piece collected from far away countries... together, possibly worth even more than Hogwarts Castle itself. Here, let me show you."

He drew back a satiny red curtain to reveal...

A gallery filled with hundreds and thousands of pictures of inter-web ladies!!!!!!! Each lady was from an exotic country such as Hawa-ee!!!! All the inter-web ladies were undressed like wood nymphs with knockers bigger than Bulstrode's!!!!!

Morticia stared at the pictures and appreciated how pretty the inter-web ladies were!!! As she watched her BRA strap started sliding downwards and because the creature was breathing rather heavily, her bra fell off!!!!!!!!!!! She wished that a handsome tall red haired hero were there with her to help her cover her big knockers!!!!

The creature, which looked liked a very pink and pretty squid suddenly transformed into that handsome tall red haired hero!!!!!!

"Donald!" Morticia exclaimed, purposefully uncovering her bouncing knockers!

Donald leaned forward towards Morticia and.......!!!?!?!?!

... his face melted off, along with the rest of his skin, dripping to the floor in an oozy mess. Morticia was so overwhelmed by the previous horrors that she forgot to scream this time.

The skeletal Donald covered her with a black sacrificial robe, in preparation for various evil acts.

"As you can see," he said, "this isn't the REAL Chamber of Secrets. This is the CHAMBER OF STRANGENESS (and grammatical issues) WHICH CAN ONLY STRIVE TO BE AS GREAT!"

Clearly, this Chamber was no Chamber of Secrets, as it looked entirely wrong, hardly impressive with its imitation architectural style and pornography and mess of dead bodies, and the Chamber of Secrets certainly wouldn't be accessible to "Donald."

Before Morticia could respond, she heard a booming yipping coming from the floor.

IT WAS THE PUG! Standing on top of the ugly dress that formerly was worn by Colleen, the pug was readying itself to pounce at Morticia. Donald cackled evilly, and then...
Then one of the dead a zombie named Medric rose from the grave.
He was feeling peckish.

when this happend morticia knew what it was to feel woe

and then she died

THEN A HANDSOME, AMAZING, NIFTY YOUNG MAN WHOSE LIFE IS SO FULL OF ANGST BECAUSE OF A DOUCHEBAG THAT LOOKS SOMEWHAT LIKE THE ONE IN MY ICON CAME IN AND SAID, 'DAMN YOU, EVIL DARK LORD, DAMN YOU FOR KILLING MY PARENTS!'

THEN THE EVIL THINGY CAME OUT AND SAID, 'I AM A DOUCHE. I MUST CONFESS. ALSO, IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT DONALD COULD GET INTO THE CHAMBER OF STRANGENESS, BECAUSE HE MANAGED THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS EVEN THOUGH YOU, LARRY, HELPED HIM, WHEREAS SOME PEOPLE CAN ONLY GET IN BECAUSE THEY'RE POSSESSED BY ME BEING A GIT AND A DOUCHE AND WHATNOT.'

'I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!' SAID LARRY. BUT THEN HE LOOKED DOWN AND HE NOTICED THAT THE DOUCHEFISH'S TROUSERS WERE...

STAINED!!!!!!!!!! THE DOUCHEFISH HAD STAINED TROUSERS!!!!! Except, Harry!! I don't think your segment had anything to do with the story!!!!!

Wait a minute!!! Since when did Morticia die????! Morticia was hot!!!!

Oh well!!!! The douchefish had stained trousers so he asked his mum to clean them!!!!! As his mum laundered his trousers another incredibly pretty lady with huge knockers fell from the sky!!! Let's talk about her now!!!!!

The pretty lady with the huge knockers started to take off.....?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

THE PRETTY LADY WITH THE HUGE KNOCKERS STARTED TO TAKE OFF HER BRAIN BECAUSE RON IS ALSO A FORM OF DOUCHESEAFOOD.

THEN, SHE DID SOMETHING MIRACULOUS:

SHE PUT IT IN MORTICIA'S HEAD, AND MORTICIA WAS SUDDENLY REVIVED!

'OH LOOK,' SHE SAID, 'I AM ALIVE AND GREATER THAN EVER BEFORE. HEY, I AM SO THE PIONEER OF COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD 98329890845 TIMES.'

'OH, WHATEVER,' SAID THE AMAZING LARRY, AND THEN HE PULLED OUT HIS...

...and then he pulled out his security blanket, "Binky". Binky was torn and dirty from all the years that Larry had used it. Larry would suck his thumb and rub the tattered corner of the blanket under his nose. Sometimes he did it when he was feeling insecure, and sometimes it was because he just liked the feel of it. When he was feeling especially naughty he would also put on a nappy and then he would...

...AND THEN HE WOULD PUSH HIS TEACHER, PROFESSOR TAPE, OFF A CLIFF, BECAUSE PROFESSOR TAPE HAPPENED TO BE A BIG GIANT BASTARD.

AND THEN HE WOULD CACKLE EVILLY AND EAT CAKE THAT TASTED LIKE...

...and then he would cackle evilly and eat cake that tasted like Hippogryff dung, because it was, in fact, baked Hippogryff dung. Larry became ill and was taken to the Hospital Wing where he was kept in quarrantine for seventy-two weeks.

Meanwhile, Professor Lape was caught by the dashing Dreamus, who whisked him away for a romantic holiday.

Morticia watched all of this in awe, before she...

before she
weeped in sorrow
because

the future's overwhelming
depression
crushed her like
a grip on the snitch
only it was not
victorious

oh morticia
the fates and future and life
how they mourn
for your life

they feel it

savior?...

Morticia heard footsteps behind her. She turned to look at what she thought would be her saviour, only to find that it was the slutty Bicycle. Bicycle was not the girl's real name, but a fitting nickname, as everyone had taken a ride on her.

Brazenly, Bicycle pushed her way past Morticia.

Morticia snapped and finished Bicycle off with the Killing Curse.

"Stupid whore," she mumbled. Morticia turned on her heels and went...

...to find someone who could perhaps figure out why she was acting completely irrationally. The idea of her red-haired hero crossed her mind, but she quickly concluded Donald could be a bit of a perv to be honest. Morticia was an independent woman after all!

Then Boldemort suddenly materialized in front of her and she was like one big, happy bundle of ..happiness and he looked at her and said...

"AH-AH-AH-AH, STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE!!"

And suddenly the room was filled with bright lights and the floor became a nifty 70s dancefloor.

A crowd of Boldemort minions appeared out of thin air dressed in neon colored polyester suit and started dancing!

Morticia watched from the side, horrified, yet mesmerized as a fat italian woman with frightening toes shook it like the J-Daddy.

AND THEN! ONE OF THE MINION, A WOMAN NAME MRS. FRABBE FELL TO THE GROUND, DEAD! BLOOD OOZED EVERYWHERE, THE MUSIC STOPPED AND A MYSTERIOUS FOG ENVELOPED THE ROOM! THE CROWD AND MORTICIA GASPED!

OUT OF THE FOG, TAP DANCED A TALL CLOAKED MAN! HE WAS DRESSED ENTIRELY IN BLACK AND HAD THE FUNKIEST BLACK HAT!

"IT IS I, ZORRO!" AND BEHIND HIM A WOMAN IN A SEXY RED DRESS NODDED, "I, IN THE COMPANY OF MY AWESOME COMPANION, MAGMA, HAVE COME TO AVENGE THE DEATH OF MY DEAREST FRIEND, COLEEN!! And, er, other stuff!"

"TELL ME," he continued "WHERE I CAN FIND THE EVIL EVIL MAN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HEINOUS CRIME?"

Morticia, petrified, replied...

"HIM."

MORTICIA POINTED DRAMATICALLY AT THE SMALL GIT IN THE CORNER NAMED LARRY, WHO WAS SIGNIFICANTLY LACKING IN ANY SOCIAL SKILLS BECAUSE OF HIS DEFORMED FACE AND IRRITATING MANNER AND IRREGULAR FOREHEAD AND SO WAS SHUNNED BY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CHAMBER OF STRANGENESS (WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, WAS MOST DEFINITELY LESS SPIIFY THAN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS). LARRY, INSUFFERABLE DOUCHEGIMP THAT HE WAS, TRIED TO HIDE IN THE CORNER LIKE A COWARDLY GIRL AND SOILED HIS PANTS IN SHEER TERROR. THEN EVERYONE IN THE WORLD AND CHEESE LAUGHED AT HIS PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO EXIST AS A HUMAN BEING AND THREW SMALL ROCKS AT HIS HEAD.

ONCE MORTICIA STOPPED LAUGHING AT THE QUIVERING PILE OF FESTERING GOO THAT USED TO BE LARRY ROTTER, SHE STILL FACED A DEADLY SITUATION. DARE SHE TURN HER SHARPEST SHREDS OF FREE WILL OVER TO BE USED BY THE DARK FORCE OF AMAZING AWESOME POWERS OF EVIL (HIGHLY ADVISABLE), OR WOULD SHE...

... or would she take the cowardly way out by succumbing to all this horror and foolishly renouncing everything she was meant to do?

As the terrors of the disco faded into the fog and the various dead and undead forms were obscured with darkness, Morticia became aware of a new presence in the (infinitely inferior) Chamber of Strangeness.

With all of these distractions, it had been easy for her to forget how she'd originally been so scared to see that it was the CHAMBER OF SECRETS that had opened and not some STUPID DOUCHEY FILLED THING, but she had quite a reminder now.

There wasn't even time for anyone else to scream, and she heard their bodies dropping stone-cold dead to the ground. They weren't as hard as stone, either, because they had in fact directly rather than indirectly met the gaze of--

THE GHOST OF BOBO, THE HORROR WITHIN!

Even in death, Bobo was the most fearsomely scaretastic thing that they'd ever seen, and even in death, Bobo brought it to them with a gaze that no living or unliving creature could meet.

Unlike just about everyone else, Bobo had remembered that the Chamber of Secrets had been opened, and his ghostly form sought out the young ladies.

But in those moments before Morticia also fled her mortal frame, she embraced the awareness that she'd never actually know why the Chamber of Secrets had opened, and also her enviable fate. Hers was to serve the Dark Force of Amazing Awesome Powers of Evil, in death as in life, with pug or without, panties on or off, and certainly no more discos or people who were an insult to fellow redheads or irregular foreheads or doucheaquaticlife or Binkies or Gothic art... for eternity.

And so, as Morticia's ghostly form moved to empower the Dark Lord Etc. Etc., Morticia's body, knockers and all, as a victim of spookiness and horror, would lie in the chamber forever.

Pending any eventual zombification to eat brains of the unbelievers or resurrection to be capable of sexual favours to said Dark Lord.

THE END.

ASDJKJALJDSAJKLDJSALJL!!!

2004-10-24T06:00:14Z

OH MY VOLDEMORT!!! OH. MY. VOLDEMORT!!

I CAN'T BREATHE!

YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE OFFICIAL HONEST TO VOLDEMORT, VOLDEORTFATHER OF CRABBE'S AND COLIN'S CHILDREN!! GUESS WHO!! NO, YOU PROBABLY CAN'T GUESS.

I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS!

IT'S GOYLE!! AS IN ME!!

I can't get into the specifics at the moment, but Colin has gifted me with his most PRECIOUS OF PRECIOUSEST PRECIOUS POSSESSIONS in the WHOLE WIDE WIZARDING world! His PUPPIES!!

Meet Gregory the III, Lord Voldemort, Pokey, Ginger and John Travolta!!

They look just like their fathers don't they!?!

Little Voldemort is by far my favorite!! However, I can't quite shake the feeling that there is something slightly wrong with that one.

Maybe it is the horns that are poking out of his little fuzzy head, his unibrow or the fact that he is currently mauling a picture of me and seems quite intent on gouging out my picture's eyes, that is making me rather nervous, but I am sure I am worrying myself over nothing!!

...

Aw. He is hovering and spouting fire and brimstone now! That precocious little tike!

Deep within the underbelly of Dr. Goyle's lab!!!

2004-10-20T15:25:05Z

Wow. I should become one of those psychocologist I always hear about. I should start my own psychocology company.

GOYLE’S PSYCHOCOLOGY CLINIC
BILLION AND BILLIONS SERVED
CURRENT NUMBER: 2
2 KNUTS PER PERSON
It will involve a rigorous therapy session where I lock two people in the closet and they duke it out and work out their problems. Some fatalities may occur, but that is just a risk I am willing to take!

Whether or not I will actually open this psychocology clinic really depends upon whether my (Mwahaha!!) experimentation works.

No, that was not a sudden clap of evil thunder! It was just one of the house elves, Igory dropping a pan. BE QUIET IGORY!!

Experimentation #1: Trapped within Goyle's Closet O' Madness
Purpose: To determine whether or not being locked in a closet will result in reconciliation of Camera Boy, Dancing boy and talking pug. Also, to see whether or not boy + boy + closet + pug + Barry Grindylow music = baby???

Tools and procedure:
(1) Closet
(1) Crabbe
(2 1) Colin

Step one: Hey Crabbe, I have John Travolta posters!
Step two: Hey Crabbe, you are locked in the closet!
Step three: Hey Crabbe, you are locked in the closet with Colin!
Step four: Take a nap.

Hypothesis: boy + boy + closet + pug + Barry Grindylow music= PUPPY!!!

Observations:
-Screams
-Shouts
-Crabbe clawing at door in wild panic.
[CURRENTLY IN PROGRESS]

Well, I am rather strapped for galleons right now so opening a pyschocology area at the moment, is simply not feasible.

So.

Anyone want to take bets?

Madam Pomfrey is feeding me poison! Tell Snape!!

2004-09-22T06:50:18Z

So I was taking my daily stroll through the Hufflepuff common room, just minding my own business and thinking of the Dark Lord, his teachings and contemplating his shoe size when I happened upon the dark figure of a boy looming over Cedric's coffin doing something rather dastardly! Dastardly but admittingly ingenious of him.

He was sticking WWVD? stickers on Cedric's coffin!! I stood there wondering how in Voldemort's name, he got his hands on my secret stash of WWVD? stickers. I told the boy to desist his stickering and that he was a rather handsome devil with rather soft looking skin. What was his secret?

The mysterious boy responded, "Despite your muscular physique that can no doubt smoosh me like Hagrid on top of Colin Creevy and your quick wit that I am sure will outsmart me... and, um- in addition to your rather hot arse. I refuse!! And to answer your question, I moisturize daily."

Now, I couldn't let the good looking boy vandalize Cedric's coffin like that! Cedric was my friend! So the boy and I dueled!

Surprisingly, I won! He was a worthy opponent and a rather quick thinker to boot, but he just could not handle my wanding prowess and ran away. After he left I toddled to the coffin to pull off the stickers and evidently that set something off because suddenly my hands were painfully pus filled.

Now I know what Eloise use to feel like!!

So now I am sitting in bed at the Hospital Wing with my warm fluffy bunny slippers and giant mittens over my hands. Madam Pomfrey is trying to feed me this green thing but I refuse to eat it!

Anyone want to come visit me?? I'm kind of bored. We can play wizarding snap! Winky will play for me.

WHAT I DISCOVERED A DAY OR TWO AGO: CHO IS A MAN!! I heard from a friend of a friend of a cousin of mine's girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's pet terrier, that she saw Cho with a... a IMPRESSIVELY LARGE KEY in the girl's shower!! Cho had her back turned away while showering but the gargantuan shadow of her "shameful secret" nearly covered the whole expanse of the wall!!

MILLIE!! I AM SHOCKED!!

2004-09-14T03:09:15Z

I find this to be DEMEANING to all warlocks in the world! We, warlocks are not objects! We are not just a luscious piles of meat whose sole purpose is to sit and look pretty! We are warlocks! There is more to us than just brawns! There is more to us than our sexy arses! We have brains too!

We, warlocks, have feelings too!!

We, warlocks, have emotions also!!

We are as much a wizard as any other witch!!

Sing it, brothers!!

Think of the message this is sending out to all the scrawny Colins in the world, to worry and fret over their self image. This is absolutely appalling! All a Colin should worry about is the Dark Lord and what he needs to do for him to get into the correct path of dark- not worry whether or not his arse looks big, what dress he will wear tomorrow or whether or not a the cute hufflepuff witch next door will ask them out to the Yule Ball!!

Once again this is another example of witches oppressing warlocks!!

Millie, as much as I absolutely adore you, I must say- SHAME, MILLIE! SHAME!! Shame as well to all the other ladies who are supporting this! (i.e. Mcgonagall)

I spent the the morning in the loo, furiously making this poster! And, er- among other things.

I hope this message reaches the lot of you out there! The only person you warlocks should take off your shirts for is the Dark Lord!

VOLDEMORT HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS!!

FOR GOYLE'S EYES ONLY! PRIVATE! DON'T READ! CLASSIFIED INFORMATION!! TOP SECRET! NO PEEKING, PLEASE!

2004-09-05T06:28:51Z

BEWARE!</center></big></big></big>
HOT SEXY PHOTOS OF PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL IN COMPROMISING POSITIONS WITH YOUR MOTHER!!! CLICK HERE FOR INSTANT SEXUAL GRATIFICATION!!

Order Yours Today!!

2004-08-19T00:27:44Z

If Voldemort were to appear on your doorstep dressed in his intimidating yet crisp Death Eater's garb and staring at you beseechingly with his deep, heavy lidded, snakelike eyes. Probing you. Disrobing you. And pointing one long partially decayed Finger o' Truth over your heart and asking you, "What have you done for me, The Great and Magnificent Lord Voldemort?"

What would you say?!

Now, you wouldn't just stand by the door blushing like a silly school girl because you are too embarrassed about what you have not done, would you? Hah! Of course not! After all, what has our Dark Lord ever done for us? Only sacrifice his life for the sake of wizarding welfare, that's what!!

So do not be an ungrateful twatball. Be a man. Remember, the Dark Lord always has his eyes on you, whether you are in your bedroom performing the Macarena or advising the student body, nude, in a bath- the Dark Lord is watching you. Eyeing you up and down to be sure that you are not up to some good misdeeds!!

You must do what he would do. Do bad. Follow Draco's Buddy Death Eater pamphlet or, as I have just concocted recently. Follow these words:

WWVD?
(What Would Voldemort Do?)

WWVD? Promotes the concept of doing, what Voldemort would be doing. Everything from chasing scarred bespecaled boys with absolutely no shame, to mocking the Wh1te Haired Ev1l from afar. Do what Voldemort would like you to do, be the epitome of a Junior Death Eater. Therefore, if Voldemort were ever to show up on your doorstep- you would have nothing to be embarrassed about!

Spread the concept of WWVD? by buying one of these nifty bracelets which are available in four exciting Death Eater friendly colors!

a) Traditional DE's Black
b) Muggle Carcass Red
c) Asphyxiated Mudblood Blue
d) Diseased Pussed Blood Traitor Yellow

So impress your friends with your very own, WWVD bracelet today! Buy a whole box of them for you and your friends! And if some of your acquaintances happens to be a poor misguided Wh1te Haired Ev1l follower, buy them a bracelet! Hide the bracelets under their pillows! Glue their bracelet onto their faces!!

Haha! There will be no escape for those poor fools!!

Special thanks to: Seamus Finnigan for helping me make these bracelets! None of this would have been possible without him!!

I NOW FALL UPON MY KNEES FOR YOU DARK LORD FOR I NOW SEE THE LIGHT [DARK]!!

2004-08-10T04:32:58Z

"We are like the shark that swims in the ocean, top of the food chain, developed over the ages of evolution and purpose. The shark does not say to the herring 'I am not sorry that I must devour you' because it is in the shark's nature to feed upon that which is its lesser pray. And so it is between the Muggle and the Wizard."
                                                         -IGtbaW
                                                         Draco Malfoy

Let me tell you a story.

There was once a sad, dimwitted fish named Boyle. He grew up lost, confused, alone and not quite positive where he would go in life! He slacked off in school, received a frequent number of "T's" on his papers and even once, attempted to befriend a MUDFISH. He had a lot of potential- big muscles, strong fins, he would have served THE BIG FISH well. Although all his friends were devout followers of THE BIG FISH, this fish was on the verge of straying off the path of dark. Er,- swimming off the path of darkness.

So there he was:

Falling
                 Falling
                                  Falling

Tempted was he by an aching curiosity for all thing Mug- er, Herring. Tempted was he by Herring pop stars with engorged breasts that go VAVOOM! VAVOOM! And plugs. Arthur Weaslefish had a way with plugs that made Boyle believe that plugs were the most magnificent thing invented since Dungbombs.

While he still associated frequently with other sharks, his belief in THE BIG FISH was floundering. It was crumbling and teetering madly much like Prof. Sibyll Trelawney's sanity. Until yesterday. Until yesterday when DracoFish came back from his trip at Die, France and presented everyone the pamphlet he created.

That pamphlet changed Boyle's life forever!

He spent the whole night doing something he rarely did ever: he read!! He read until he was all consumed with BIG FISH fervor!! He loved THE BIG FISH!! He wanted to give himself to THE BIG FISH!! He wanted to lay himself out on top of a active volcano as a virgin sacrifice for THE BIG FISH!!

In the midst of BIG FISH ecstasy he yelled out, "BIG FISH, just give me a sign and I will do your bidding forever!!"

A Hogwart's letter in the form of a snake skin plopped into his hand.

...

This might surprise all the lot of you out there, but this fish was in fact, not a fish. It was in fact, a boy. A boy who use to be taciturn, talked infrequently and merely grunted because he had little to say. A boy who relied more upon his brute strength rather than his intellect to convey his meaning.

But that boy shall stay silent no more.

Hello, my name is Gregory Goyle and I AM that boy.

-Gregory Goyle,
Born Again Junior Death Eater,
signing off.

P.S. Welcome back, Draco!