|
|
|
January 16th, 2006
12:42 pm - THE RUPTURE?!
I just spent the last few weeks during the White Haired Evil's absence with jugs of pumpkin juice, a pack of WWVD? bracelets, my Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet and my belongings in my trunk excitedly waiting for the long prophesied, The Rupture, to arrive!
DURING THE RUPTURE, OUR SAVIOR THAT WILL LEAD US TO THE PATH OF DARK, LORD VOLDEMORT, WILL ARRIVE FROM A QUIDDITCH BROOM ONTO HOGWARTS TO SAVE ALL HIS PUREBLOODED CHILDREN AS WELL AS THOSE MOST LOYAL TO HIS CAUSE AND AVADA KEDAVRA ALL THE MUGGLES, MUDBLOODS, BLOOD TRAITORS, AND WEASLEY SPAWNS AWAY.
According to my Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet: The Sequel!, "In the event of Headmaster Dumbledore's sudden and abrupt departure/absence/death from Hogwarts, a surprise attack by the Death Eaters is imminent. You, as a Junior Death Eater, should be prepared for a violent breach in Hogwarts security by taking the following steps:
(1) Locate Harry Potter. Be alert! As The Boy Who Lived now suffers from adolescent afflictions such as breast development and CAPSLOCK, he may still be aware of your presence despite the fact that you may be wearing an invisibility cloak. This is done not through use of magic, but through means of echo location.
(2) Remember. The Buddy System is always effective in avoiding a curse crossfire! Be sure to hold hands and look both ways before crossing a busy hall.
(4) In the event that you do not see a Junior Death Eater around you, grab a Mudblood instead and employ him/her as your shield. You will notice that the flesh of a Mudblood has sponge-like properties that render them particularly effective in the absorption of hexes, and curses and spilt milk.
Helpful Hint!: In situations like these, you may discover that a Hufflepuff can prove equally serviceable.
(5) Pass out cups of butterbeer and pumpkin juice to any Death Eater that may be exhibiting symptoms of Thirst. As Junior Death Eaters you perhaps already know, employing the Crucio on a Mudblood not only provides a Death Eater with sadistic pleasure and arousal, but also wears down his stamina. It is not practical to stop intermittently between bouts of Crucio and sadism to take a breather when all this could be remedied simply with a cup of pumpkin juice.
Don't forget!: Refreshments are vital in our fight against the Light!"
The Dark Lord must have spent the last couple of weeks doing memes!!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/bears/sad.gif) crushed
Current Music: sobbing
|
November 5th, 2005
01:15 pm - Wizards only. Witches not allowed!
Oh. My. Voldemort.
Why has no one told me that Weasley #7 was hiding all THAT under all her hair?! I can't believe that I had rejected her! I am so embarrassed. May Voldemort have mercy on my soul for saying this, but I do not think that even the Dark Lord has anything on her. With her chiseled features and her eyes that profess love to me with every come hither glance and lips that are so tender that they screamed to be ravaged. She is Sex on Legs. I read that somewhere on Teen Witch.
Here's a new picture of her:
( The New Weasley #7! )
I have never witness a witch with a more beautiful smile. I hope one day she will smile like that at me. She is so lovely. I will carry her picture with me everywhere. I will put it in the pocket on top of my chest so that she will always be close to my heart.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/bears/shocked.gif) Flustered
|
August 31st, 2005
08:57 pm - Seamus and the Siren!
While Seamus and I were sneaking around Hogwarts with our hands over our eyes again, we discovered when we took a peek that we were not in the Great Hall as we expected. No! We found ourselves within the SECRET PASSAGE OF HO ROR!
It said so on the sign!
( Read more... )
|
July 24th, 2005
12:22 am - A Revelation That I Would Like to Share.
Because I ate some spoiled food, I was in the loo today sobbing. I thought about Dumbledore. I thought about spoiled food.
As I prayed to The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead Us to the Path of Dark (!!), The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead us to the Path of Dark (!!) responded. He did this under the clever guise of a stomach growling!
He told me (through my stomach growl) that everyone was like an appetizer. Me, I am a Treacle Tart. I am fat and delicious, but full of juice for the The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead us to the Path of Dark (!!). The Dark Lord and Savior That Will Lead us to the Path of Dark (!!) is like a piece of overcooked drumstick. Outside he is callous and Dark, but inside he is made of squishy flesh and bone like the rest of us. He smells like chicken. Dumbledore? He is like an acid pop. A tall, flexible Acid Pop. Except with hair, so you can't eat him.
One moment we can be fresh and tasty, the next moment, SPOILED. Lying in a bathtub, with maggots crawling in and out and a rubber duck bobbing around sadly to and fro and fro again.
( I made this for you: )
|
July 10th, 2005
06:25 pm - Terrortours: "Action holidays for the wizard family with a sense of adventure!"
So there I was.
In Transylvania with my Terrortours group and surrounded by a herd of Flesh Eating Zombies. My floo buddy and I got lost. At the moment, Gary Stu was lying on the floor incapacitated. He had the original ability to regenerate his limbs, and excrete butterflies from his bowels-- but it would take a while before he woke up, and save us with his Bowels of Love.
I went up to the Zombies and said, "Hullo, Heathens. My name is Gregory Goyle. Don't worry, I can help you. For I am a Junior Death Eater! Do you, by any chance, like pamphlets?"
An hour later, with the pamphlets torn to shreds on the floor, the Zombie gnawing on my head, and me insisting, "Zombies can be helpful to the Death Eater cause too! If only as dispensable pawns of the Dark Lord!"-- a stone tablet the the size of hippogriff, fell in front of us.
The gnawing Zombie peeked at the tablet and moved his lips as if silently reading it. Then he looked at me with a sympathetic smile and pointed out, "It's for you, Goyle. It says that your test scores were disqualified due to an excessive use of the letter 'E'. You have to return for summer school."
Then the Zombies dragged me away to the nearest floo network as I screamed, "No! For the love of Voldemort, just eat me already! I don't want to go back to school!" However, they threw me into the chimney and insisted that they were doing this for my own good.
"Did you know, Goyle," a rotting Zombie named Igor asked, "That even a degree the Dark Arts is now a prerequisite for becoming a Death Eater? These days you need an education for everything!" Bradley, the Zombie what had previously gnawed on my head told me that it was because he didn't get a proper education that he was now wandering around the Zombie Trial scavenging for human flesh. "I could have been a doctor!" he swore.
|
June 20th, 2005
11:38 pm - Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
I, Gregory Goyle, am on my twentieth mug of butterbeer.
As the year draws to a close, and the spectacles that I stole from a first year become too big for my face, I get sad. What have I accomplished this year? What is the total number of students that I have converted?! It's not even a number, it's and UNNUMBER. I have converted an UNNUMBER number of students.
...
My Voldemort, I am not that pathetic am I? What happened to you Goyle? You use to be cool! You use to OWN this school! The ladies use to fall to your feet! Maybe stick on tattoos are just not cool anymore. Even if they are in the shape of the Dark Mark.
You know. I have thrown pamphlets in people's faces. I have harassed, threatened and resorted to unwanted solicitation in hopes that people would convert. And still, nobody has turned to the Dark Side. I can't figure out where I went wrong. Is it the stalking? Did I not do enough of the stalking? Is my method of harassment uncomfortable for you? If so, I can try another approach. There's many different ways of going about harassment.
Maybe people just don't appreciate door to door solicitors these days.
Voldemort, the great WAR BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL is coming any day now, and I have recruited nobody. I am so stressed. I found a white hair on my pug yesterday. Yes, my pug. I am so stressed that my pug grew white hair. That just doesn't makes sense.
Madam Rosmerta, please give me another refill.
|
March 24th, 2005
04:53 pm - Witchery! Witchcraft!! You W*tch!
Do NOT be ALARMED.
I have been led to believe that there may be a witch or two within our midst. The spawns of Satan have risen from the fiery underbelly of Hell and have infiltrated the good and pristine confines of Evil Hogwart’s School of W- and W…-well, I forget. But rest assured the witches here are up to no good. They are here to drives us away from our Puritan lifestyle with promises of tempting gifts and corn cake. In reality all they wish to do is to distract us from our butter churning, petticoat sewing and most of all, to damn us! Damn us all!! Because that is what witches do, you know. They damn people.
These witches may look normal, but beneath their warty exterior and green skin, there lies a deep and ugly interior. I hear they have blue blood, and since blue blood strays from the norm in Puritain society- then it MUST be bad.
I don’t believe that I have recognized any witches yet. I suspect that they have disguised themselves to look human. I have yet to see anyone with green skin walk by, but perhaps I will see one tomorrow.
( Do Not Look Here if You are a Witch )
I suggest at promptly 11:00 p.m. when the sun sets and all our daily chores and our candle waxing is completed, we meet up in Suckindor dorms, and discuss a plan of action. A plan of action with will involve angry mob justice! I will bring my lynching rope. I just happen to have one lying around.
-Goody Gregory Goodlove
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/bears/silly.gif) Alert!
|
February 27th, 2005
12:25 am
Name: Gregory Goyle
House: Slytherin
The name of who you turned into: Padma Patil
The house of who you turned into: Ravenclaw.
How has this changed your perceptions of girls?
What they lack in a Key, they make up for in two knockers. My respect for my fellow sisters, has risen greatly.
Hear, hear sisters! Praise the (Dark) Lord!!
How has this changed your perceptions of boys?
They do not understand the mental and spiritual anguish that comes along with suddenly developing two balls and not knowing what to do with them.
How will you treat the other gender differently in the future?
I will give them a pamphlet on how to deal with PMS, compliment them on their face, and talk about my "feelings" (with quotation marks and everything!) and then hand them my Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet explaining to them that it is the next Nora BibityBobityBoobert book.
They will be butterbeer within my hands!!
How has this changed your perceptions of what it means to be your gender?
When you are a man and you walk with your shirt off to attract woman into the side of the Dark with your devilishly sleek physique, everyone says, “Put your shirt on Goyle,” or “Ah! My Eyes!” When you are a woman and you walk with your shirt off, administrators tackle you to the ground and swiftly deliver a clothing spell, and detract a riddikulus amount of points from your real house.
You see, witches get preferential treatment! And warlocks get ignored on the basis of their sex. No one cares when WE run around topless. This screams sexual discrimination!
***
I cannot do this anymore, Headmaster Wh1te Ha1red Ev1l! My hands hurt from too much typing. And my legs hurt from sitting too long. And my brain hurts, my hair hurts, I think I may be coming down with a fatal tropical illness and I am sleepy. Also, a niffler ate my laptop!
I would like to do this assignment, but it goes against my spiritual beliefs. I do not think the Dark Lord condones school work. I am pretty sure it says it in the Buddy Death Eater Pamphlet that, "Gregory Goyle cannot finish his survey because it goes against the Death Eater belief. It's true. Really. It is in this here pamphlet. No, you can't look."
-Gregory Goyle
Born Again and Again,
Junior Death Eater
|
December 29th, 2004
02:35 pm
Dear Dark Lord,
I like converting people! Anything in the name of Voldemort, our Lord and Savior that will Lead us to the Path of Dark, I normally find fun! But when my best mate's mate's younger brother, Dennis starts insulting my beliefs by calling the Dark Lord "Moldywart", coloring all over my Buddy Death Eater pamphlets, and sticking notes on my back that says, "I'm a Junior Death Eater, kick me!" and "I have a third nipple on my CENSORED" I begin to think, whether all the mess I go through for a conversion is all that worth it.
I have tried to go into Colin's room, but the door is locked. There's a lot of noise, some rustling and a rip. They must be having a pillow fight, and I am missing all the fun.
All because I have been working on converting Dennis!
Oh, what a miserable day.
Lost in England,
Gregory Goyle
xoxo
|
December 20th, 2004
07:51 pm
Colin has a strange house.
It's small and not dark and dank at all. His dungeon is not even like a dungeon! I see no rotting muggles lying in there, just junk. His slave woman brought me to his room and gave me cookies to eat while I wait for Colin and Crabbe to come home. I gave her a Buddy Death Eater pamphlet as a token of my appreciation and she closed the door.
Then it went completely dark.
In my hysteria, I accidenly hit something box-like and a box thing started to glow and so I hit it again to make it glow more and it exploded.
So now I am lying in the darkness again and I am finding it to be rather scary.
I spilled my milk and cookies on Colin's bed too.
Oh Voldemort, save me!!
|
November 11th, 2004
07:58 pm - Best. Birthday party. Ever!!
I am riding a giraffe right now! His name is Hippo and he is very yellow!! There are animals everywhere and they are all flocking towards me! I tell them to come! And they all do the Macarena!!
The monkey is waving at me and saying, "Hello, Goyle!"
And I wave back and say, "Hello, Monkey!"
Somewhere in the middle of it all, burrowed underneath the elephant and the dinosaur's crouch, Millie is getting married! I am not sure who she is getting married to, but he is a rather stiff bloke. He must have the pre-wedding jitters!
I am so proud of Millie! She has grown into a fine, sophisticated and busty woman. She has excellent pecs.
I aspire to be like her someday!!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/bears/sick.gif) Never Wearing Heels Again
|
October 31st, 2004
10:03 pm - Voldemort. This stuff should be published...
A Hogwart's Horror
Written By: Gregory Goyle, Weasley #7, Eric, Ron Weasley, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Lucius Malfoy, Micheal Corner, Colin Creevey, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, Seamus Finnegan, Cedric Diggory, Moaning Murtle, Harry Potter, Professor Snape, Professor Mcg., Vincent Crabbe, Lord Voldemort and Cho Chang.
( Read more... )
|
October 23rd, 2004
10:01 pm - ASDJKJALJDSAJKLDJSALJL!!!
OH MY VOLDEMORT!!! OH. MY. VOLDEMORT!!
I CAN'T BREATHE!
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE OFFICIAL HONEST TO VOLDEMORT, VOLDEORTFATHER OF CRABBE'S AND COLIN'S CHILDREN!! GUESS WHO!! NO, YOU PROBABLY CAN'T GUESS.
I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS!
( Guess!! )
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/bears/excited.gif) excited
|
October 20th, 2004
08:24 am - Deep within the underbelly of Dr. Goyle's lab!!!
Wow. I should become one of those psychocologist I always hear about. I should start my own psychocology company.
GOYLE’S PSYCHOCOLOGY CLINIC
BILLION AND BILLIONS SERVED
CURRENT NUMBER: 2
2 KNUTS PER PERSON
It will involve a rigorous therapy session where I lock two people in the closet and they duke it out and work out their problems. Some fatalities may occur, but that is just a risk I am willing to take!
Whether or not I will actually open this psychocology clinic really depends upon whether my (Mwahaha!!) experimentation works.
No, that was not a sudden clap of evil thunder! It was just one of the house elves, Igory dropping a pan. BE QUIET IGORY!!
( Experimentation #1: Trapped within Goyle's Closet O' Madness )
Current Music: Barry Grindylow's Greatest Hits
|
September 21st, 2004
11:43 pm - Madam Pomfrey is feeding me poison! Tell Snape!!
So I was taking my daily stroll through the Hufflepuff common room, just minding my own business and thinking of the Dark Lord, his teachings and contemplating his shoe size when I happened upon the dark figure of a boy looming over Cedric's coffin doing something rather dastardly! Dastardly but admittingly ingenious of him.
He was sticking WWVD? stickers on Cedric's coffin!! I stood there wondering how in Voldemort's name, he got his hands on my secret stash of WWVD? stickers. I told the boy to desist his stickering and that he was a rather handsome devil with rather soft looking skin. What was his secret?
The mysterious boy responded, "Despite your muscular physique that can no doubt smoosh me like Hagrid on top of Colin Creevy and your quick wit that I am sure will outsmart me... and, um- in addition to your rather hot arse. I refuse!! And to answer your question, I moisturize daily."
Now, I couldn't let the good looking boy vandalize Cedric's coffin like that! Cedric was my friend! So the boy and I dueled!
Surprisingly, I won! He was a worthy opponent and a rather quick thinker to boot, but he just could not handle my wanding prowess and ran away. After he left I toddled to the coffin to pull off the stickers and evidently that set something off because suddenly my hands were painfully pus filled.
Now I know what Eloise use to feel like!!
So now I am sitting in bed at the Hospital Wing with my warm fluffy bunny slippers and giant mittens over my hands. Madam Pomfrey is trying to feed me this green thing but I refuse to eat it!
Anyone want to come visit me?? I'm kind of bored. We can play wizarding snap! Winky will play for me.
WHAT I DISCOVERED A DAY OR TWO AGO: CHO IS A MAN!! I heard from a friend of a friend of a cousin of mine's girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's pet terrier, that she saw Cho with a... a IMPRESSIVELY LARGE KEY in the girl's shower!! Cho had her back turned away while showering but the gargantuan shadow of her "shameful secret" nearly covered the whole expanse of the wall!!
|
September 13th, 2004
07:57 pm - MILLIE!! I AM SHOCKED!!
I find this to be DEMEANING to all warlocks in the world! We, warlocks are not objects! We are not just a luscious piles of meat whose sole purpose is to sit and look pretty! We are warlocks! There is more to us than just brawns! There is more to us than our sexy arses! We have brains too!
We, warlocks, have feelings too!!
We, warlocks, have emotions also!!
We are as much a wizard as any other witch!!
Sing it, brothers!!
Think of the message this is sending out to all the scrawny Colins in the world, to worry and fret over their self image. This is absolutely appalling! All a Colin should worry about is the Dark Lord and what he needs to do for him to get into the correct path of dark- not worry whether or not his arse looks big, what dress he will wear tomorrow or whether or not a the cute hufflepuff witch next door will ask them out to the Yule Ball!!
Once again this is another example of witches oppressing warlocks!!
Millie, as much as I absolutely adore you, I must say- SHAME, MILLIE! SHAME!! Shame as well to all the other ladies who are supporting this! (i.e. Mcgonagall)
I spent the the morning in the loo, furiously making this poster! And, er- among other things.
I hope this message reaches the lot of you out there! The only person you warlocks should take off your shirts for is the Dark Lord!
VOLDEMORT HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS!!
Current Mood: sick
|
September 5th, 2004
05:24 am - FOR GOYLE'S EYES ONLY! PRIVATE! DON'T READ! CLASSIFIED INFORMATION!! TOP SECRET! NO PEEKING, PLEASE!
BEWARE!</center></big></big></big>
HOT SEXY PHOTOS OF PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL IN COMPROMISING POSITIONS WITH YOUR MOTHER!!! CLICK HERE FOR INSTANT SEXUAL GRATIFICATION!!
( DO NOT CLICK HERE )</center>
Current Music: Lump - Minister of the Magic
|
August 18th, 2004
05:23 pm - Order Yours Today!!
If Voldemort were to appear on your doorstep dressed in his intimidating yet crisp Death Eater's garb and staring at you beseechingly with his deep, heavy lidded, snakelike eyes. Probing you. Disrobing you. And pointing one long partially decayed Finger o' Truth over your heart and asking you, "What have you done for me, The Great and Magnificent Lord Voldemort?"
What would you say?!
Now, you wouldn't just stand by the door blushing like a silly school girl because you are too embarrassed about what you have not done, would you? Hah! Of course not! After all, what has our Dark Lord ever done for us? Only sacrifice his life for the sake of wizarding welfare, that's what!!
So do not be an ungrateful twatball. Be a man. Remember, the Dark Lord always has his eyes on you, whether you are in your bedroom performing the Macarena or advising the student body, nude, in a bath- the Dark Lord is watching you. Eyeing you up and down to be sure that you are not up to some good misdeeds!!
You must do what he would do. Do bad. Follow Draco's Buddy Death Eater pamphlet or, as I have just concocted recently. Follow these words:
WWVD?
(What Would Voldemort Do?)
WWVD? Promotes the concept of doing, what Voldemort would be doing. Everything from chasing scarred bespecaled boys with absolutely no shame, to mocking the Wh1te Haired Ev1l from afar. Do what Voldemort would like you to do, be the epitome of a Junior Death Eater. Therefore, if Voldemort were ever to show up on your doorstep- you would have nothing to be embarrassed about!
Spread the concept of WWVD? by buying one of these nifty bracelets which are available in four exciting Death Eater friendly colors!
a) Traditional DE's Black
b) Muggle Carcass Red
c) Asphyxiated Mudblood Blue
d) Diseased Pussed Blood Traitor Yellow
So impress your friends with your very own, WWVD bracelet today! Buy a whole box of them for you and your friends! And if some of your acquaintances happens to be a poor misguided Wh1te Haired Ev1l follower, buy them a bracelet! Hide the bracelets under their pillows! Glue their bracelet onto their faces!!
Haha! There will be no escape for those poor fools!!
Special thanks to: Seamus Finnigan for helping me make these bracelets! None of this would have been possible without him!!
|
August 9th, 2004
09:32 pm - I NOW FALL UPON MY KNEES FOR YOU DARK LORD FOR I NOW SEE THE LIGHT [DARK]!!
"We are like the shark that swims in the ocean, top of the food chain, developed over the ages of evolution and purpose. The shark does not say to the herring 'I am not sorry that I must devour you' because it is in the shark's nature to feed upon that which is its lesser pray. And so it is between the Muggle and the Wizard."
-IGtbaW
Draco Malfoy
Let me tell you a story.
There was once a sad, dimwitted fish named Boyle. He grew up lost, confused, alone and not quite positive where he would go in life! He slacked off in school, received a frequent number of "T's" on his papers and even once, attempted to befriend a MUDFISH. He had a lot of potential- big muscles, strong fins, he would have served THE BIG FISH well. Although all his friends were devout followers of THE BIG FISH, this fish was on the verge of straying off the path of dark. Er,- swimming off the path of darkness.
So there he was:
Falling
Falling
Falling
Tempted was he by an aching curiosity for all thing Mug- er, Herring. Tempted was he by Herring pop stars with engorged breasts that go VAVOOM! VAVOOM! And plugs. Arthur Weaslefish had a way with plugs that made Boyle believe that plugs were the most magnificent thing invented since Dungbombs.
While he still associated frequently with other sharks, his belief in THE BIG FISH was floundering. It was crumbling and teetering madly much like Prof. Sibyll Trelawney's sanity. Until yesterday. Until yesterday when DracoFish came back from his trip at Die, France and presented everyone the pamphlet he created.
That pamphlet changed Boyle's life forever!
He spent the whole night doing something he rarely did ever: he read!! He read until he was all consumed with BIG FISH fervor!! He loved THE BIG FISH!! He wanted to give himself to THE BIG FISH!! He wanted to lay himself out on top of a active volcano as a virgin sacrifice for THE BIG FISH!!
In the midst of BIG FISH ecstasy he yelled out, "BIG FISH, just give me a sign and I will do your bidding forever!!"
A Hogwart's letter in the form of a snake skin plopped into his hand.
...
This might surprise all the lot of you out there, but this fish was in fact, not a fish. It was in fact, a boy. A boy who use to be taciturn, talked infrequently and merely grunted because he had little to say. A boy who relied more upon his brute strength rather than his intellect to convey his meaning.
But that boy shall stay silent no more.
Hello, my name is Gregory Goyle and I AM that boy.
-Gregory Goyle,
Born Again Junior Death Eater,
signing off.
P.S. Welcome back, Draco!
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
grrgoyle's journal